


The Golden Child

by Camucia



Category: IT Crowd, Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Completely silly but now I can't stop writing this, Drunk Kylo Ren, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Leia's Funeral
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-17
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-15 20:41:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13039011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Camucia/pseuds/Camucia
Summary: One year after the events of The Last Jedi, Kylo Ren drunkenly crashes General Organa’s funeral. Post TLJ semi-crackfic entirely based on the funeral scene in the IT Crowd episode of the same name. Everyone’s as in character as I can keep them with this dialogue, so let’s just imagine Drunk Kylo Ren becomes Matt Berry in dramatics and panache.I actually have a fairly “real” fanfic that starts with this same premise on the back burner, but I absolutely have to get this out my head first, because I end up giggling myself silly every time I think about it for too long.Anyone who is familiar with the IT Crowd immediately knows the scene I’m talking about, but if you are for some reason interested in this fanfiction without having seen the IT Crowd, here’s the scene in question. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcnVA1xqRU4Please let me know if I should continue this insanity.





	The Golden Child

The event had started normally enough, for a funeral.

 

General Leia Organa, figurehead of the Resistance, Queen of Alderaan and about a hundred other titles, had, despite her best efforts in life to go out in a blaze of glory, passed away quietly in her sleep after fighting complications that arose from surviving the destruction of the Resistance fleet the year before.

Like all of the other members of the Resistance, Rey was saddened, but glad that the General was no longer in pain. Outwardly, she managed to keep a face of the light sorrow that follows you for weeks when someone you knew well dies.

On the inside, however… Well, it was safe to say that Rey was painfully aware of the very moment that the General had passed - and it wasn’t because of _her_ connection to Leia. Rey was doing her best to block _him_ out of the bond, but his strong emotions from this last week were making it incredibly difficult.

Evidently, Leia’s death was something Leia herself had very specific plans for. In going through her documents, a detailed plan had been unearthed that outlined precisely how she wished for her funeral to proceed. She wanted a small, private ceremony in a temple on Naboo, and she had several prepared holofilm tapes to be shown to those gathered. Then, the following day, there was to be a massive party, where alcohol would be freely flowing, and crying was apparently prohibited.

Of course, the very notion of a small, private ceremony went right out the window when the entirety of New Alderaan insisted on showing up. And all of the Resistance. And all of the members of the Elder Houses. And about a hundred other groups and individuals who had all known Leia, and wanted to pay their final respects.

Rey had been present for some of the later parts of the planning, and quickly became aware that clearly, these plans had been drawn up at least seven years ago. She didn’t want to say anything, because there was no possible way...

 

She should have said something.

 

At the funeral, Rey was dressed in an extremely ornate black gown that was evidently a favorite of the General’s, seated right in front of the massive temple on Naboo. Several speeches had been given, most of them at this point fairly dry and forgettable, but thankfully interspersed with holovideo clips from Leia herself addressing specific people, groups, and memories. Rey squirmed in her seat, both in irritation that all of these statesmen’s boring speeches were nothing like what Leia had planned for, but also in response to the growing _something_ in the back of her mind that had been bothering her all day.

“Now I’ll ask Mr. Dameron to read the eulogy.” Mon Mothma finished her speech in a hushed voice as she stepped down from the podium.

Poe rose to his feet, brushing off the front of what was clearly a newly-purchased formal jacket. He ran his hands across the surface of the podium, a small smile crossing his face. By the time he looked out to the massive assembled audience - the survivors of Alderaan, the remains of the Resistance and Republic, and the hundreds of members of the Elder Houses - he had a genuine smile.

“I see a lot of faces out there. Some of you I know, some of you I hope to get to know better over the coming months. Some of you I probably won’t be seeing very much of after today.

The reading of the eulogy is a duty normally left to the eldest child. But as you all know, General Organa’s son, Ben Solo, mysteriously disappeared after a lengthy training period with Luke Skywalker seven years ago. Let me start by reading this poem: ‘Stop all the clocks-’”

 

There was a deafening crash in the back of the temple as the massive, ancient doors burst open.

A lone, white-clad and hooded figure, silhouetted in sunlight, staggered forward.

 

 _Oh,_ **_no_ ** thought Rey.

 

The figure swept his hood back dramatically, panting as he struck what he must have assumed to be a very impressive pose.

“MOOOOOOTHERRRRRR!”

 

Ben Solo, evidently, had arrived.

 

He strode up the incredibly long aisle with the great purpose only possessed by those who are intoxicated and trying to hide it.

“Um, um…” Poe seemed at a loss for words. Finn had surged forward at the sight of Kylo Ren, making Rey pin him back into his seat with her arm, wanting to see where this was going. Apparently, they were the only ones who knew that they were in the presence of the unmasked Supreme Leader - or, at least, the only ones reacting properly to this disaster.

“AHHHHHHHH!” Ben had finally broken into a full sprint by his last few paces, and, predictably, managed to crash directly into Leia’s casket, the ensuing carnage echoing noisily through the temple as the casket and all of its acoutremon spilled across the marble floors.

“TITS!” Ben inexplicably exclaimed, clutching at where he had clearly wrecked his shins in the crash as he struggled to his feet.

Poe crossed the altar, worriedly approaching who he only knew to be Ben Solo, trying to help him up. Immediately, Ben started drunkenly slapping at Poe - there was no real malice in the strikes, which Poe returned with equal ludicrousness, and the whole exchange lasted awkwardly long in front of the massive, silent audience.

Finally, Ben managed to shove the smaller man away.

“Unhand me, pilot!”

Ben turned to face the gathered hundreds, who seemed absolutely stunned at whatever they were witnessing.

“Where is the Force?” He pointed out accusingly, his glazed eyes seemed to have some difficulty focusing on anything in particular. “Where is the Force now? Here lies a great woman, a great woman!”

He paced, raising his fist to the heavens. “MOOOOOTHERRRRRR!”

Apart from Ben’s shouted sobs, the temple remained dead silent.

“What… What is _happening_?” Finn whispered to Rey, who was immediately regretting being seated so close to the front.

“I - I’m not entirely sure…”

Ben’s sobbing abruptly stopped. He staggered forward, head lolling slightly, until his eyes focused on Rey. His eyes lit up in recognition, and a knowing smile spread across his face. Rey could practically feel him press against her in the Bond.

“Well, who’s this? Hi, I’m Ben.”

“It’s… Rey.”

“You look good in black, Rey. What are you doing after the funeral?”

“Ben!” Poe thankfully interrupted, as Ben’s stare had become entirely too intense for Rey, who felt a massive blush across her cheeks.

Ben whipped his head around, pointing directly at Poe. “Speak, pilot!”

“Your mother prepared a second recording in the event of your sudden arrival.”

Ben turned back to Rey, a smile still playing about his mouth and eyes. “A second recording? I see. Actually, I don’t follow.”

“I’ll just put it on.” Poe seemed desperate to get things moving along, beckoning for BB8 to come forward and assist him.

Leia’s hologram appeared before the audience once again, still dressed in her formal clothes as the Queen of Alderaan. “Hello, again. If you’re watching this, it’s because my son Ben Solo has arrived, caused a scene, and is currently chatting up some nearby trollop.”

“Hey!” Rey responded automatically, though clearly the General’s words were meant as a stab at her son.

“Quiet, woman!” Ben shouted over his shoulder.

“Ben, I have something important to tell you.”

“I’m here, Mama!” Ben declared earnestly at the hologram.

“The crown of Alderaan is now yours, as well as my seat on any Republic councils.”

A gasp went through the audience. At least one member of the Elder Houses dropped in a dead faint.

“Stars, thank you, mother.” 

“But it’s yours at a price. I wanted you to promise me now, in front of all your new countrymen, that you will uphold both my ideals in the Republic, and the traditions of Alderaan by passing down the Organa name.”

“I promise, mother.” Ben’s head whipped back around to give Rey a massive wink.

Rey froze in her seat. Was he really going to be this _blatant_ …?

“There’s one more thing, Ben. But it’s for your ears, only. So I want you to stop the recording, take it home, and watch it again later in private.”

“But these are my new family, mother. I hold no secrets from them.” Ben gestured dramatically at the audience.

“Ok, Ben, now we’re alone, and I can speak frankly. I know damn well about your communications with the First-”

“Turn that off.” Ben stated coldly.

"And this new name you’ve been using whenever you’ve been communicating with them is ridiculous.” Leia’s hologram continued, unbidden.

Ben sank to his knees before BB8, desperately scrabbling his fingers across the front. Poe leaned over, trying to help. “Where’s the button?” Ben questioned desperately.

“I mean, Kyl-”

“I’ll do it myself!” Ben yanked BB8’s projection drawer forward, taking and pocketing the chip inside.

In the absence of Leia’s hologram, an awkward silence had once again filled the air of the temple.

“Goodbye, mother.” Ben turned from the casket, his face pained as he resumed his seemingly very-controlled sobbing, which, once again, stopped suddenly several seconds later.

“Right, I’m off. I’ll see you all at the coronation.”

 

Ben strode down the aisle, only stopping when the decidedly shorter Poe had to sprint to stop him.

“Uh, Ben? Sorry, I didn’t mean to, um... I’m Poe Dameron. I worked very closely with your mother during the establishment of New Alderaan, and am currently her representative in Resistance councils.”

“Oh, Dameron. Good to meet you face-to-face. I’m afraid I have absolutely no interest in my mother’s positions within the Resistance, but I intend to take my seat and leave it vacant, unless something comes up that I need to stop.”

Poe stared open-mouthed, stunned. Ben had a cold grin as he turned to face back out at the temple once again. “Ok, good luck, everyone. I’ll suppose I’ll actually see you at the party tomorrow. And, ah, I’ll see _you_ later.” Ben pointed directly at Rey with a raised brow.

The doors slammed shut behind him, clearly shut using the Force.

Rey was _furious_. “Excuse me.” She muttered to Finn, lifting her skirts so she could get up and walk properly.

“Wait, Rey!”

“Leave this to me.” Rey growled, stomping down the aisle and toward the door.

Ben Solo - _Kylo_ _Ren_ , she reminded herself - had some explaining to do.


End file.
